I met a girl I liked back in 2012 in Uniport in an elective course.
She was an instant crush, it was love at first sight for me. I spent days and nights living in the fantasy of what being with her would be like. Suddenly I was looking forward to the class I shared with her yet I never manned up to speak to her.
She was too beautiful for me, I had told myself. There was a realist in me, a bird on my shoulder telling me the hard truth. She was probably dating a very rich, cute guy and if she wasn’t, there were better guys asking her out and I’d never even come close. The truth is not always bitter.
I knew I would never hold her soft hands, give her warm hugs, kiss her soft lips or share a pillow with her. But I couldn’t stop dreaming. Dreams were all I had.
So I spent the remainder of my years in school dreaming about her, my heart would stop whenever I ran into her in school, my breathing would increase, I would be speechless. This girl didn’t even know my name or if I existed. But I didn’t care. In my head, she was mine and yet I knew it was not a valid dream.
I found her on Facebook in my final year and sent a request. We began to exchange messages, each time she replied me it felt like she did me a favour similar to paying my school fees. It felt like a privilege. This was the girl I’d been in love with for years man. I didn’t care. The big question for me, should I ask her out? She’d obviously say no and my heart would be broken and I wouldn’t be able to dream again. So I left the thought and became friends instead.
We turned out to be great friends. Even better than I expected and it felt so good that the love of my life was now a good friend. She would tell me everything and anything, about the guy she’s dating and how their dates went. I was jealous but I dared not show it. Love is for fools really.
I would patiently wait for her to see the love in my eyes and realise that nobody would love her like I did. I was willing to. Even if it took a lifetime of deception. Her relationship fell apart soon to my joy. I had assumed I was the best suited to take the role, I had assumed I was number one on the list to replace him. I gave her time to heal then one day I got really drunk first (it was a necessary prerequisite) and confessed my feelings to her and how I’ve been in love with her for 4 years. I no longer wanted to keep dreaming, I wanted this more than anything else in the world.
There was a long silence between both of us, she walked out on me. I assumed the shock was too much for her. We didn’t speak for days. When she finally returned my call she had already agreed to be with another guy who of course seemed more promising than me, a broke prospective corp member like her with lots of invalid dreams.
I swallowed it with pain. She offered me back to the chair of being her best friend and I turned it down with tears. I wanted more. I thought I deserved better. It was a painful goodbye.
2 days to Christmas, I ran into her somewhere in town looking as beautiful as ever. One year of hurt had passed, she still had that charming smile that could melt the anger of a Nigerian soldier. We got talking again and this time she was single.
This time she wanted to give me a chance. This time she wanted to be my girlfriend. She wanted to hold my hands, she wanted to kiss me, she wanted to share a pillow with me. My dream of 5 years was in front of me waiting to become a reality. But what did I do?
I turned her down because she has small breasts.
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